My husband hid from me that he was infected with HIV. Husband has HIV, wife is healthy. The story of an ordinary family What contributes to HIV infection
Good afternoon. My name is Timur. I have a problem, or rather a fear to confess and tell my wife the truth. I'm afraid that she won't forgive me and will leave me. Even worse, I've already ruined her fate and my daughter's. I infected my wife with an infection, I thought it had passed, since there were no external manifestations. On January 12, my daughter was born. Today is February 12 and we have been hospitalized for the second time in a month of our lives. For the first time when the child was exhausted and the weight dropped a lot. 10 days in the hospital, they returned the weight to the level when she was born and was told to protect her because she was very weak. Two days after discharge, she began to cough and sneeze, her temperature was 37-37.2. Back to the hospital. It was warm at home, there were no colds or sick people. I started digging on the Internet and came across that children born with HIV or infected from mother's milk lose weight and get sick. The picture began to take shape. In July last year there was contact on the side. After him, I myself became very ill with the flu (acute stage of HIV). Well, after that there were connections with his wife. A month after the contact was checked, the result is negative. I didn't check again because I was afraid. It was necessary to see, since a month is still a very short time for infection detection. At the maternity hospital, they took tests from her, but I don’t know if they checked for HIV or not. So I ruined two lives. What should I do? How to tell her the truth?Anxiety, fear: I'm afraid that I infected my wife and daughter with HIV
Hello Timur!Let's find out what exactly is the truth. If I understood correctly, that now you, your wife and your daughter have HIV, are these your assumptions? You did the test once, it turned out to be negative, it calmed you down. Now you think that the difficult condition of the baby is a consequence of her infection. I propose to start with a study of the truth: take the test again, consult a good doctor about your concerns (are you really sick? Could infection really have occurred? Are the symptoms that you are seeing now in your daughter really a sign of this particular disease, and not some other?). You can also ask how the delay in revealing the truth will affect the health of your daughter and wife? the truth about your condition and the possible consequences for your wife and child is the first thing you need to know. What if you're wrong? And this guilt moves you now? I will add that people live with HIV, the statement that you ruined two lives is somewhat exaggerated. If guilt torments you completely, let's work with it: responsible behavior is an alternative to guilt.
If your fears are real, and this will be confirmed by a competent doctor, then it would be good for both your wife and daughter to be checked. You may ask if the wife was tested for HIV during pregnancy? (Usually this procedure is done twice, in the first and third trimester). What do doctors say about your daughter's condition? What do they see as the cause of her condition?
Timur, regarding your question about how to tell the truth, a few points are important here:
1. So much truth should be told so that it does not destroy a person, but helps him better navigate reality. That is, the whole truth (about your betrayal, HIV) - this may be too much for your wife, who is just recovering from the birth and complications of your baby. You can tell the truth in parts, sparing your wife.
2. Truth requires special conditions: it is better to warn a loved one in advance that an important and difficult conversation is ahead. Thanks to this warning, the wife will be better prepared for your message.
3. For a heavy message, you need a protected space, a support, a certain framework. At this point, closeness and warmth are important in your relationship so that you can look together at the situation and how things can go from here.
4. It is better to tell the difficult truth in parts, each time see if there are any questions from the spouse. If there are no questions, this may indicate that the spouse is at the border, and it may be worth limiting the shaft of the message.
Timur, if it is very difficult, please contact (my mail - [email protected]), we will be able to discuss your situation with you, and in a protected space of dialogue you will be able to rehearse a possible message of the truth.
With respect and understanding, Daria Gulyaeva
“Yes, it is a disease, but nothing more. I accepted it"- Aleksey says calmly (all names have been changed at the request of the heroes). He has an intelligent, attentive face and something so professorial and knowing in his eyes. No wonder, because Alex is a psychologist. Today, he helps people with HIV accept the disease and end the war with themselves. He has a wife (HIV negative) and a daughter (HIV negative). He is successful, accepted in society, prosperous. It would seem, happy ending? Why tell this story at all?
But Aleksey and his wife Irina will not show their faces to Onliner.by readers. Why? Yes, because they live in Belarus and look at things realistically: a person who reveals his HIV-positive status runs the risk of rejection, isolation, and discrimination. And even more so a person who "dared" to live an ordinary normal life with a healthy wife, to give birth to a child ...
This story is an attempt to show the world of a person with HIV from the inside. It has a lot of guilt, anxiety, pain and despair. But there is also room for love. Just listen to the end.
"Dead end. The steam locomotive has arrived and is standing”
In the early nineties, the generation that graduated from school ran straight into the void. Former ideas and meanings were destroyed. There were no new ones. But you could easily call a taxi, and any driver knew where the point with heroin was in the area. And the gypsies in the private sector offered drugs "at a fair price." This was the reality of Alexei somewhere at the age of 16.
- When I graduated from high school and had to grow up, I did not really understand what to do next. I was frightened by the fact that I was obliged to join the army, but I did not want to serve. At that moment drugs came into my life. First I tried marijuana, then I tried injectables. I only came home to sleep and eat. There was no work, there was no profession, the meaning of life, too. So ten years passed. When the HIV infection began, I don't remember- says the man.
Aleksey learned about the diagnosis of HIV in 1997. Then this disease was considered fatal. There was no cure. Posters hung with huge inflamed lymph nodes, dying uncles, the inscriptions "You have two to five years left" - in a word, a complete set of horrors.
- In 1997, I once again underwent treatment for drug addiction in a state clinic. Forced? No. All addicts themselves periodically went to the hospital to rest, switch, change the situation, get off the dose of heroin, relieve pain, sleep off, eat, while knowing full well that this “treatment” will not help in any way. Because they didn’t work with the psyche then. Exactly after two weeks of detoxification, addicts got into a taxi and went to the same point for heroin from which they were brought to the hospital.
They took blood at the clinic. For some reason I knew that I had something. First, the lymph nodes were inflamed. Secondly, the doctor came up to me, first looked out the window for a long time, then at me. With sympathy. Doctors don't usually evoke sympathy for drug addicts. Aggression - yes. And here there was sympathy, and I began to suspect that something bad had happened to me. "What are you going to sign out for? Lie down with us for a while, get drunk, ”the doctor started the conversation. And then I was called to the AIDS Center on Ulyanovsk (we had one before), and the diagnosis was announced there. Then I took so many drugs that, it would seem, I should not care. But I felt shock and devastation.
The addict is constantly experiencing intense despair. And what else to experience when you understand that you cannot recover, you cannot stop using? No matter what spells you read to yourself in the morning, by the evening you go for a dose again. No matter what hospitals or doctors I turn to, it's all in vain. Addiction in those days defeated a person by 100%. Everyone hopes for your recovery, and you understand that sooner or later you will die from an overdose. Or they'll take you to jail. Life turns into an existence in which there is a lot of pain, grief, drugs, anger, despair, hopelessness. No hope, no light, no future. It would seem that it doesn’t matter what you are sick with, what you will die from ...
Despite all this, the news about HIV just gutted me. If some meager hope for the future still smoldered, now it has ceased to exist. Such a dead end, when the locomotive arrived - and stands. Neither forward nor backward. Nothing. Emptiness. As if the battery of the phone is dead, it flashes red, and there is nowhere to recharge. But you can't lie down and die. You still get up in the morning, brush your teeth, plan something ...
“I confessed that I have HIV, the group surrounded me and hugged me”
Alexey hid his diagnosis from everyone - both from friends and from his parents. He only confessed to a therapy group at a rehab center in 2001.
- In the group, we learned to live in a new way, we understood that, in addition to drugs, drug addicts, police and hospitals, there are other things: lively relationships, tears, laughter, frankness, support. I confessed that I had HIV, the whole group surrounded me and hugged me. Not at the level of words, but with all my being, I felt that I was accepted. It has become much easier for me to live with the diagnosis. Previously, I wanted to deny it, shut it up somewhere, pretend that this did not happen to me. Dissident thoughts that HIV does not exist - just from this series, when people cannot survive the state of shock, because no one supports them. Then I told the truth to my parents. And it got easier.
After ten years of drug use, Alexei began (and continues to this day), as he himself medically says, "sobriety." And since 2007 - antiretroviral therapy, that is, treatment for HIV. At first, Alexey, like other patients, did not understand the need for therapy. “That’s why HIV is scary,- says the man today, - nothing hurts you, so why take medicine?
And yet the disease made itself felt. First, the state of constant cold, when it is impossible to warm up, no matter what you do. Secondly, chronic fatigue. Alexei only had enough strength to get himself up in the morning, get to work, and return at six in the evening and immediately fall asleep in exhaustion. And so every day. In the end, Alexei began to take medication and is still doing it - two tablets a day, in the morning and in the evening.
“Maybe with HIV no one will love me?”
- When I confessed my diagnosis to people, I became more comfortable, I realized that the world consists not only of those people who can neglect or condemn me. I started building relationships with girls. There were still many questions. To tell about the diagnosis or not? When to do it? Will they turn away from me or not? Maybe with HIV no one will love me? These are the questions I tried to figure out. Sometimes I was honest and brave, sometimes not. But I always thought about the safety of my partner.
The story of meeting Irina, the future wife, was rather banal, like all ordinary people. It was in training courses. Aleksey then already received a higher education and worked as a psychologist, and Irina was engaged in marketing in a public organization.
- We knew Irina in absentia, because we worked in the same field. And I did not hide my diagnosis. Therefore, I did not need to reveal the secret about HIV infection, to think about how she would react to this. I told Ira: “So that I don’t mislead you about the risks in sex, you can talk to specialists, doctors. Learn how the disease is transmitted and how it is not transmitted.
She talked, talked - and that's it. It became clear that there are no risks or they are minimized in two cases. First, when a person takes HIV treatment, their viral load decreases. In medicine, it is called "undetectable." And the person becomes harmless to others. To reduce the load, you need to take antiretroviral therapy for at least six months. And I have been doing this for many years. The second factor is protection. If people use a condom, this is enough to ensure that they do not infect each other. Everybody. Of course, one can assume some sudden case when the condom breaks. But, again, if a person is on HIV treatment, it is not dangerous. In everyday life, HIV infection is not transmitted.
This is how medicine and common sense defeated what Aleksey himself calls "a person's instinctive inner fear of a disease." Ira said yes. After several years of marriage, the couple began to think about the child. What are the methods here? IVF in Belarus is not done to patients with HIV. The RSPC "Mother and Child" has a device for cleaning sperm from HIV infection. After cleaning, artificial insemination takes place. This is a difficult method, and although Alexei and Irina tried several times, they did not succeed.
- Then we decided to go the natural way. After all, my viral load is very low, “undetectable”. We have a girl, now she is three years old. She is healthy, the wife is healthy - and thank God. I really wanted to have a family and children! Yes, it is more difficult to do this with HIV infection, but if you follow all the rules and consult with doctors, it is possible.
“A person with HIV is forced to live in constant anxiety, with the Criminal Code on the bedside table”
- Aleksey, there is Article 157 in the Criminal Code of Belarus - “Infection with the human immunodeficiency virus”. And it even applies to families, couples in an official marriage. In your opinion, is this normal?
- Of course not. Although Article 157 should be revised soon, it is a trap for HIV-positive people. A dead end where you can't be unpunished. After all, the case is initiated without a statement. That is, not a partner came and said: “Here he infected me!” It happens differently. People go to get tested for HIV. And if both are positive, an epidemiological investigation is carried out: “Who infected you? Who did you sleep with? Yeah with this? Come on, come here. You are a husband, not a husband - we do not care. Let's go to the courtroom and there we will already decide how vicious an infector you are. And a person does not have the opportunity to say: “Wait, but I told my partner about my HIV status. I was protected. There is no applicant. So why are you starting a business?"
Now an amendment to the law is being proposed so that it is possible not to initiate a criminal case if a person has warned about his status.
Understandably, the police are catching women in the sex trade who transmit HIV without a condom. A prostitute who infected several partners is imprisoned. But why aren't the men she infected brought to justice? They also have a head. Why weren't they wearing condoms? Why did you use sex services? There is mutual responsibility here. But in the law it is one-sided - only for those who have HIV status.
And a person with HIV has to live in constant anxiety. With the Criminal Code on the bedside table, I would say.
Photo is illustrative
It would seem that we are a modern society. But the stigma against HIV-positive people has not disappeared. It's one thing - neighborly gossip. I don't even want to consider this level. You never know what the neighbors say. But when a person is discriminated against by his own state at the level of laws and the behavior of civil servants, this is very bad. If a person with HIV goes to the hospital for medical help and reveals his status, he may be refused, discharged on the same day - how many such cases have there been! Or doctors will put on twenty gloves during a banal examination, they will whisper in front of the patient ... When there is criminal liability at the level of legislation, there is discrimination, what can we talk about?
I understand that people who can transmit the disease need to be protected. But the fences must not be to the detriment of people with HIV. Their rights cannot be violated. Everything should not be reduced to punishing people with HIV-positive status. There must be reasons. If we say that the virus is only transmitted through blood, then why the hell am I not allowed to go to the pool? Why in our country a person with HIV cannot work as a surgeon, but in Sweden - can?..
Or all these posters with deaths, "AIDS - the plague of the 20th century", syringes, poppy heads - what is all this for? What does it have to do with, for example, a girl who was accidentally infected by a guy? She had never seen drugs in her life! She is sitting at the bus stop, she has HIV. She looks at the poster, associates herself with these syringes and thinks that if she confesses her diagnosis to at least someone, then people will decide that she is a drug addict, which means that she herself is to blame. Or hundreds of housewives who did not leave the house? My husband went on a business trip, then passed on HIV. What group of drug addicts does she belong to? And if you are really a drug addict and got sick with HIV - that's it, you have no excuse. There is only one thing in the comments: “blue” or “green”, there you go. And this is a question of the maturity of the society. HIV-positive people become a kind of scapegoat on which all human failure can be drained. But another 10-20 years will pass, and everyone will forget about HIV. It will remain a disease of the past - like smallpox, which today, thanks to vaccinations, no doctor has seen.
“Girlfriends said that I was making a big mistake”
Irina proudly says: “We have been together with Lesha for nine years.” Satisfied woman, happy marriage. But. Ira carefully hides the status of her husband. Even her mother doesn't know about it. Why? Because acceptance is never the dignity of our society.
- When we met Lesha, I worked in a public organization that helps, among other things, people living with HIV. Over many years of work, I began to treat HIV with less apprehension. I knew that there was such an Alexei, that he had a positive status and that he was doing an interesting job - that's probably all. We got to know each other in a refresher course. They lasted a week, and all this time we were next to each other,- Irina recalls.
Time passed, we continued to communicate. At some point, I realized for sure: yes, we are starting a relationship. And that's when I got scared. There were two conflicting feelings. On the one hand, there is tenderness, love, attraction to Lesha, and on the other, of course, fear of illness. Probably, if I had not worked with the topic of HIV for so many years before, I would not have continued the relationship. After all, getting infected with HIV was one of my biggest fears. Agitation and the fight against AIDS played their role in the 1980s and 1990s, when the epidemic was just beginning to spread and posters “AIDS - the plague of the 20th century”, death with a scythe, hung everywhere. Probably, it is deeply deposited in my subconscious.
I told my friends about Lesha's status, shared with them and saw horror in their eyes. They said: “Ira, what are you doing! No need!" They warned me, they said that I was making a big mistake.
To be honest with you, I don't know what worked. Why did I say yes? Why did you get into a relationship? Probably, feelings overcame fear, and I trusted Lesha. In addition, he works in this area, knows a lot, consults patients with HIV.
Ira gave birth to a child as the most ordinary woman. She simply did not tell the doctors about the status of her husband - and they did not ask.
- Since I know that the stigma is very high and even includes criminal liability for infection, we, to be honest, hide everything very carefully. Protecting ourselves and the child. When I was pregnant, I did not say that my husband had a diagnosis. In polyclinics, there is such a practice when the husband is told to take an HIV test. But it's all optional. I was preparing to fight back, to say that my husband did not want to take it, I even took some kind of allowance with me, where it was written that such analyzes were exclusively voluntary. But I didn’t need it, because the doctor didn’t remember it at all. So neither in the clinic, nor in the maternity hospital, no one found out anything.
“I told Lesha: let me write a receipt that I know about your illness”
- I consider it abnormal that a person with HIV can hypothetically be imprisoned, although the wife is aware of his status and she, of her own free will, is in this relationship. All adults accept responsibility. I take responsibility, yes I take risks. And this is not only my husband's business as a person with HIV, but also my own. If a person warned about his diagnosis, then there can be no question of punishment. If he did not warn and did not take any measures for protection, then, of course, there must be other options for the consequences. I even told Lesha: let me write a receipt that I know about your diagnosis and accept responsibility. But it doesn't work. No one will accept such a receipt. So the situation is ridiculous, it definitely needs to be changed. For me, criminal liability for infection is the same stupid, idle lever as death with a scythe on the posters. As if that would prevent the spread of HIV!
- Tell me honestly: do you feel anxiety, are you afraid of getting infected?
- Yes. Not every day, not all the time, but it happens. Especially when we were in the process of conception. I experienced great fears - but the reason was real. Now I don't feel anxious every day. Sometimes I even forget that Lesha has something. Fear arises when something happens: a small wound on a husband, for example. I think it's a normal instinct for self-preservation. I used to do HIV tests quite often, once every six months for sure, but after pregnancy and the birth of my daughter I stopped. We only have sex with a condom. And there were no other dangerous situations for infection. Now there are fewer fears - so the number of tests per year has decreased.
In everyday life, everything is exactly the same as in any family. We eat together from the same dish, our toothbrushes are in the same glass. No freezes at all.
I think our society lacks acceptance. And not just for HIV. We have many special children, people with disabilities… Society rejects them. People talk like this: “It doesn't exist in my family. So there are no such people. They don't exist." But we are!
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Especially for Sputnik, Shabnam mentally returned to her wedding day and remembered everything that she experienced after. At that time she was 16 years old ...
"Mom was glad that I was lucky with my husband"
- I was dressed up according to all the rules: they made up, dressed in all white, silk. He didn't take his eyes off me when he saw me. The wedding took place in the suburbs, he lives there with his mom and dad. They have their own two-room apartment there,” says Shabnam. “My mother was so happy that I was lucky to have a fiancé. He has Russian citizenship, a roof over his head...
After the wedding, I constantly wanted to sleep, I had a temperature, my head hurt badly. My mother-in-law complained about me to everyone, saying that she had a bitter fate, since such a sick daughter-in-law was caught.
The husband reproached, they say, he was unlucky with his wife, he was always sick. And he himself drank some medicines for the first days after the wedding, then these boxes disappeared somewhere ... In those days, he asked if I could read? I answered him in purely Russian that I did not grow up in a cowshed, but in a city. I studied well - I can read and write, and count. He looked upset.
A few months later I became pregnant. I was in seventh heaven with happiness, but until I told him this good news. He said that he did not want a child and that I needed to get rid of the fetus. I felt the ground slip from under my feet. I couldn't understand why he says that, why doesn't he want a baby? But I insisted on my own, said that I would rather die myself than kill my child.
I needed to get registered for pregnancy, and he pulled everything. In the third month, I asked my mother to take me to the clinic and open a medical card.
Infected to go nowhere
I passed all the tests and the next day the doctor called me. She asked me to sit down and said that I was HIV positive.
I laughed, I cried, then the shaking started. I went into the living room where his father was watching TV. I told him, and he, without looking up from the screen, snorted and mumbled: "now every third HIV-infected, so what of it?"
My mother was at the clinic at the time. She went to pick up my test results. When they told her that I had HIV, she fainted.
Later it turned out that his whole family was in the know. They were deliberately looking for a young, inexperienced homebody, brought up within the bounds of religion, so as not to cause problems.
I was even more shocked when I found out that after the wedding he stopped taking ARV therapy (antiviral therapy) in order to intentionally infect me. The doctors said that I could have avoided the infection if he had not interrupted his treatment ...
“I didn’t want to get married, my parents forced me, I wanted to leave, run away. But when I saw you on your wedding day, I fell in love and couldn’t afford to lose you. You were so beautiful, all in white ... I hoped that you were stupid and you don’t even know what AIDS is. Then I was afraid that you would leave me as soon as you found out about the disease and decided to interrupt ARV therapy in order to infect you. I hoped that you would come to terms and stay with me forever ... ", he told me husband.
In Russia, antiviral therapy is very expensive, you need to spend 30 thousand rubles a day. I was told that it is free in Tajikistan and I decided to return to my homeland.
I wanted to fight for the life of my baby.
Fight for a child's life
Already in Dushanbe, at the sixth month of pregnancy, an ultrasound showed that the child had fluid in the head. They suggested terminating the pregnancy. I, of course, refused. She continued to take ARV pills.
At the eighth month, the baby was diagnosed with a vertebral hernia, and plus the head was very large due to the accumulation of this very fluid. This time, the doctors were adamant, and everyone around me persuaded me to agree to a premature birth. They said that I would not be able to give birth in a month, because the baby's head would continue to grow.
I started having contractions.
Three days after the birth, they let me go home with the baby and warned that the baby would last a maximum of a week. His head really was enlarged, and the vertebral hernia was visible like an ulcer. It hurt me to watch him suffer. But my son fought for his life.
I was told that he would leave anyway, but I kept hoping that he would get out, it seemed to me that he was not infected.
Days passed, months, he was already laughing, interested in others. My baby even got better. I prayed to God not to take my son away.
During these six months, I went around all the surgeons, all the doctors. They kept saying one thing - there is no chance! I learned that doctors from India came to us. I took the child and went - they were my last hope. One of them, an elderly man, apparently experienced, examined him and, with the help of an interpreter, said: "A five percent chance of recovery would be enough for us to take on his treatment, but nothing will work here. Rely only on God."
After these words, I was defeated, killed, now I could only pray ...
One unfortunate morning my baby died - it was at five o'clock in the morning. I said goodbye to him and called my husband - told him everything! In response, he sent me and then gave talaq ...
© Infographic.
The number of couples where the husband has HIV is increasing every day. The life of a woman with an infected partner has already become so commonplace that many even forget about the difficulties that the couple had to go through and the problems that appear daily in the process of relationships. One of the most pressing is the issue of safe conception, because everyone is interested in the birth of a healthy child.
My husband was diagnosed with HIV: what to do?
In such a situation, first of all, you should familiarize yourself with the possible ways of infection, in order to protect yourself in every possible way and analyze whether the pathogen could also be transmitted to a woman.
To date, the following variants of infection are distinguished:
- Sexual. Infection is possible if the husband has a positive HIV test, and the sexual intercourse was unprotected. In this case, intercourse can be any - anal, vaginal. Even coitus interruptus performed without a condom carries a huge risk of infection.
- With the help of blood. If a married couple is addicted to drugs or both partners used the same syringe to administer a drug for colds, flu. Infection is also possible when the husband has HIV, and the wife used his razor or toothbrush (if there are obvious traces of blood on it).
Regarding life with an HIV-infected husband, in this case it is very important to support your chosen one, because most patients simply stop fighting for their existence when a loved one leaves.
Planning for pregnancy if the husband is HIV-positive
Just a few years ago, the wife of an HIV-infected man could not even dream of giving birth to a healthy child, so many discordant couples remained childless or took the baby from an orphanage. The latter was in most cases not approved, so it was rather difficult to obtain the consent of the guardianship authorities.
But, thanks to significant discoveries in the field of antiretroviral treatment, the situation has changed dramatically. At this stage, immunodeficiency refers to controlled diseases, which was not the case before. This has contributed to the fact that HIV-infected men are getting married more and more often, because without taking into account some of the features associated with sexual intercourse, you can not need anything and live a full life. And subject to a number of conditions - to give birth to a completely healthy child.
If the husband is sick with HIV, and the wife is not, then the decision to conceive a baby should be balanced, since the risk of transmitting the infection to the fetus during the physiological method of fertilization is quite high. Therefore, if you want to have a baby, you should consult a doctor to find out the best method.
In addition, if the husband is HIV-positive and it was decided to conceive, then the partner must perform a number of actions:
- It is necessary to give up bad habits. As you know, nicotine and alcoholic substances adversely affect the performance of spermatozoa.
- If the husband has a positive HIV, then he must be tested for the presence of secondary infections in the body, the transmission of which is carried out sexually.
- A prerequisite in a couple who decide to have a child, where the husband is HIV-positive, the wife is HIV-negative, will be the passage of a spermogram by a man. With the help of this study, you can determine the number of available spermatozoa and the level of their activity. These features directly affect the process of conception.
- Compliance with the rules of proper nutrition. You should add more foods containing vitamins, trace elements and protein to your diet.
Methods for safe conception in couples where the man is HIV positive, the woman is HIV negative
At this stage, couples where the woman is healthy and the man has HIV can conceive a healthy child using the following methods:
- Sperm cleansing. As you know, the seminal fluid consists of a certain number of spermatozoa and a viscous part. In turn, the retrovirus is contained in inactive germ cells and a liquid component. During the cleansing process, active spermatozoa are separated from the infected seminal fluid, and then injected into the uterine cavity. In this case, the husband cannot infect his wife or future fetus with HIV infection. Fertilization is necessarily carried out during the period of ovulation in a woman.
- Use of donor sperm. If the husband is HIV-positive and the wife is not, some doctors recommend using donor biological material, in such situations the risk of infection of the partner and the baby is zero.
- ARV therapy. In the case of successful antiretroviral therapy, the likelihood of transmission from a man to a woman is significantly reduced. This is due to a decrease in the level of viral load in semen and blood. In such situations, physiological conception is possible.
Husband HIV negative, wife positive: what to do?
If the situation is completely opposite, there are slightly different ways to conceive a child:
- ECO. Fertilization is performed without sexual intercourse, the method can only be performed in a hospital setting.
- Artificial insemination of spermatozoa into the uterine cavity. The sperm of a healthy man is injected into the uterus of an infected woman using a special catheter.
- ARV therapy. Identical to that carried out in the case of an infected partner.
It is much worse for couples where a woman and a man are HIV-infected. The probability of infection of the child is almost 100%. Therefore, doctors recommend that such couples refuse to have a child, in which case adoption is preferable.
Orthodoxy: if the husband is HIV-infected
The question of women about how to live with an HIV-infected husband is completely imbued with the fear of contracting this disease. But according to the laws of Orthodoxy, this should not be. A woman is the “neck”, and a man is the “head”, therefore, if a loved one has this disease, the church strictly prohibits leaving him.
It is noted that religion has helped a huge number of women answer the question "Husband has been diagnosed with HIV: what to do?". And, as a rule, most of them remained with their husbands until the end of their days, arguing that, despite the illness, their life together was the happiest and will forever remain in their memory.
Many men are mentally much weaker than women, and immunodeficiency for a long time can unsettle them. That is why wives are encouraged to take their partners to church so that they can confess (reveal all their fears), pray, and begin the fight against the disease with renewed vigor.
The main thing is that a man does not feel lonely. The psychological attitude directly affects the quality and length of life of the infected person and all members of his family, especially his wife and children.
Photo from elpais.com
The adoptive mother tells the story of the adoption of an HIV+ child.
Husband persuaded to refuse therapy
Dasha is a child about whom they say "born in love." A movie could be made based on her story. Father and mother loved each other, but the marriage had obstacles, and even despite the pregnancy of Dasha's mother, the young people had to leave.
Soon, Dasha's mother met another man who supported her and proposed. But the groom turned out to be HIV-positive. She and the baby both got sick.
For Dasha's mother, this was such a shock that at first she wrote a refusal, and when she came to her senses, they did not return the child. So she was discharged: without a child and with a diagnosis.
In vain she tried to find out about the fate of her daughter. Life was cut short at the age of 28 - her husband, an HIV dissident, convinced her to refuse therapy.
It was precisely because of his dissidence that this man did not tell Dasha's mother about his diagnosis either: after all, there is no such virus, which means there is no illness either.
She died without having time to meet Dasha, whom she did not stop looking for and found a few months before her death.
Dasha spoke with her mother on the phone (they lived in different cities), waited for the holidays to see each other, but met at the funeral. For about an hour, Dasha did not leave her mother's coffin, peered, absorbed every line in order to remember forever.
Katia, foster mother of 12-year-old Dasha with HIV+.
In that orphanage, children were dying like flies.
Photo from steemit.com
- Does Dasha hold grudges against her parents, against “fate”?
- Dasha is a very bright person, and loves her mother. It was not difficult for her to forgive, she understands that her parents themselves are victims. She has two mothers, my own and me. Both are very dear to her.
- How did Dasha get into your family?
- We learned about Dasha from volunteers, they visited the orphanage, where something strange was going on, and offered to take her away. They came for her, and the local doctor began to dissuade her, arguing that she was still not a tenant: three of them had already died.
When we saw how the kids were kept, our hair on our heads began to stir. The staff lived in fear of getting infected, so they didn’t really wash the children - they put them under running water and put on diapers for a day (we treated the consequences of such hygiene for a year).
But the worst thing is that the prescriptions of the doctors of the regional AIDS center were not respected, and the medicines, indiscriminately, who was prescribed what, were added ... to the porridge.
The calculation is simple: the children are hungry - they will eat. But one of the syrups was bitter, someone won hunger and the children ate, but Dasha could not. As a result, she was left without food and, most importantly, without treatment. She developed a high viral load and a huge weight deficit. She didn't really have long to live.
The fact that she got out is a miracle. I am grateful to the doctors of our AIDS center, who managed to reduce the load to undetectable and save Dasha. All this happened more than 10 years ago, after that incident, orphanages and orphanages began to be monitored, and thank God, now such an attitude is more an exception than a rule.
"We Lived One Day"
Image: RIA Novosti
When we took Dasha away, we told ourselves that if she dies, we can at least give her a human burial. And then every day passed - as a day of life, a happy life, which is valuable in itself, and not for the future.
I told myself - even if she had a little left, let her live these days happily. Until Dasha's condition stabilized - for about a year, we lived without looking ahead.
Now Dasha lives a normal life - to study at school, is seriously involved in music and dancing. She is our engine. She has so much love and willingness to give it that it energizes everyone. I do not know about her and my other children, how long they will live, but I hope that their days will be filled with love and happiness.
- You yourself were not afraid of the diagnosis?
“When the volunteers showed me the photo, I realized that this is my girl, and I just can’t leave her there. Of course, it was scary, I knew almost nothing and was worried not only for myself - we already had children.
Then I went to the doctor of the AIDS center, he explained everything. But as a suspicious person, it seemed to me that two opinions are better than one, and my husband and I went to another AIDS center. After we thoroughly understood the issue, the fear went away.
- Have there been situations where you were lost and did not know what to do?
- Now one of the children can finish eating an apple for Dasha, drink from one mug, but the first month, while the viral load has not yet dropped to undetectable values, there were moments of panic. I remember older children who had already grown out of diapers, when they saw a bottle-nipple, they began to hunt for it with each other.
Once, going into the kitchen, I saw Polina drinking from Dasha's bottle. I got worried and called the doctor. But she reassured me – this is not how HIV is transmitted.
“We told our daughter about the diagnosis after the mother’s funeral”
Photo courtesy huffpostmaghreb.com
- How did you tell your daughter about the illness?
- After the funeral of Dasha's mother, we managed to talk on this topic. She was worried, it was important for her to know why her mother died young. I explained that this happened due to the fact that my mother did not take medicine, and a person lives a long time in therapy. Therefore, Dasha treats her treatment very responsibly.
Most of all she was worried about whether she could have a family and children. And she was delighted to learn that now therapy allows this: there are many happy couples who have healthy children, and the spouse does not get infected.
- Do you hide the status of the child from others?
“We have a wonderful care and clinic. I don't reveal the diagnosis unnecessarily, but I don't tend to be overly secretive either. When we went to the kindergarten, I told the director, the nurse and the teacher. At first I was afraid of their reaction, but I did not meet anything but a friendly attitude and support.
It was also at school and in circles.
All close friends know, in which I am sure that they will not chat in vain. But I do not dedicate Dasha's classmates or friends to the diagnosis.
This is her life, and when she grows up, she will decide whether to tell everyone or a narrow circle about this.
— What do you think is the most important thing in the problem of HIV, what do you need to know about?
— In our country, many still believe that HIV is a problem of marginal strata of society or people of non-traditional orientation. And whether a person is infected is determined “by appearance”, by status: “he does not look like a patient.”
However, it is enough to walk around the AIDS center and you will meet the same people with whom you ride the subway, work, study. They look perfectly healthy. Therefore, the expectation that HIV is a disease of the marginalized, or that one can tell about the disease by its appearance, is an outdated stereotype.
For me personally, because of Dasha and her mother, the topic of HIV dissidence is important. There are entire communities promoting that there is no HIV, it's all a conspiracy of pharmaceutical companies. The consequences are the most tragic: without informing the partner about the disease (what to report if there is no HIV), they infect him, they die themselves.
But the worst thing is when a child with HIV, whether born or adopted, is deprived of therapy. In such cases, if you do not intervene in time, the child dies, and there are many such cases.
And there are those who know about their diagnosis, but still do not take therapy.
— But why would people who recognize HIV refuse therapy?
- It happens - they don’t see the point in therapy, they don’t believe in its action.
Once at the AIDS Center, I got into a conversation with two teenagers who didn't want to take therapy because they don't value their lives, they don't care what happens next.
They are in an active search, they will not warn about HIV, they will not be protected - they do not care anymore. They go on a breakaway and do not drink drugs, their viral load is huge. Imagine how many they will infect.
Unfortunately, such situations are not uncommon, they need to be dealt with. That is why you should not be afraid to talk about HIV.
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