What can be changed and what cannot be changed. How to change your thoughts to improve your quality of life? Does not change its quality
All this is predetermined by the thoughts that a person sends to the Universe every second. Depending on the quality and semantic content of thoughts, life can be either unsuccessful, sad and “gray”, or happy, joyful, rich, filled with bright events. Positive thoughts make the heart beat rhythmically and joyfully, and the blood flows freely through the veins and arteries. But negative thoughts, on the contrary, make life dull, filling it with all sorts of troubles.
Rice. How to change your thoughts to improve your quality of life?
To find happiness in all areas of life, you need to adjust the course and quality of your thoughts. You need to try to accept the changes that you want to make in your own thoughts and ingrained stereotypes. Use the list below. It describes the most effective techniques who will help.
Let go of the past
People constantly think about past events: “How could I do this!”, “What will the mistake I made lead to?”, “Something needs to be done!” People simply “gnaw” at themselves, engage in “self-criticism” and self-flagellation. Under no circumstances should you do this. And this does not mean that you should not analyze the past, draw appropriate conclusions, and plan for the future. Simply necessary.
Create life-affirming attitudes
They will help you tune in to a wave of joy, change the course of life events and come to harmony with yourself. When creating affirmations, try to use only words filled with positive meaning. And you certainly cannot use expressions such as “I must,” “I can’t,” “It’s difficult.”
Count your joys and victories
People, for the most part, tend to think pessimistically: “Oh, what a disaster happened, what will happen now?” or “How to deal with this, it’s so difficult!” Such an attitude will not only not help, but will also drag you deeper into depression. On the contrary, you should celebrate any joys that happen in life. Even the most insignificant victories are worth celebrating. In moments when you feel bad, think that someone is even worse off than you, that there are no hopeless situations, and you will definitely cope with troubles. Then life will flow in a different direction!
Don't be a "masochist"
Some people have a tendency towards masochism, they are used to feeling like a victim. And it doesn’t matter whose victim: circumstances, friends, relatives, colleagues, bosses. The main thing is that they are captive of their own thoughts. This is the saddest thing! You need to get rid of such oppression immediately; it negatively affects not only your mental, but also your physical state. You should not wallow in failures, tears and grief. Strive to overcome obstacles by telling yourself: “I can do anything, I can do it!”
Enjoy what you already have
Learn to enjoy what you own this moment own life. And this does not mean that there is no need to strive for better. On the contrary, it is possible and necessary! It just shouldn’t border on envy of those who have more than you (richer, more beautiful, more successful). Someone else's luck should generate a competitive spirit and only arouse the desire to reach a similar level.
Sometimes it's good to be a “kid”!
Remember that children easily forget grievances, forgive, and switch to other activities. They are spontaneous and therefore innocent. Likewise, you need to teach yourself to react to various troubles with ease, to forget about them as much as possible. Try to come to an agreement with yourself. At first, of course, it may be difficult, but when you start to succeed, you can always feel joyful and happy.
Live in the present!
There is no need to regret the past and worry about the future. Live and get satisfaction from the events that happen in the present. You should not predict what will happen in the future. Also, don’t torment yourself with memories of mistakes you’ve ever made. What has happened has passed.
Negative character traits are not always as bad as they seem at first glance. People are not born bad, but become so due to various life circumstances. And most importantly, every character trait has positive tendencies that you just need to find and develop. Do not suppress your emotions and energy, because they, like a river blocked by a dam, will sooner or later break through and destroy everything in their path. Just point them in a new positive direction with a little effort. Advice from Astro7 experts will help you change your character.
Transforming negative character traits
1. Greed
Material greed is, in fact, a distorted form of the desire to gain knowledge and spiritual enrichment. Transform this negative quality by directing it to the accumulation of knowledge, collecting quotes from sages and saints. Spiritual progress will make you forget about mundane things that are not worth sacrificing your whole life to.
2. Disgust
Don't scold yourself for being disgusted. This is a common manifestation of a tendency towards spiritual and physical purity, albeit a little exaggerated. Cleanliness is an essential component of happiness, but to become happy, cleanliness alone is not enough. How to change your character in this case? Communicate more with spiritual people who will transform your disgust into simple legibility.
3. Anger
The presence of anger indicates your inclination towards spiritual leadership. People predisposed to it become furious when it seems to them that someone is behaving extremely unreasonably. In this case, the behavior is considered unreasonable by the criteria of a person who has fallen into uncontrollable anger, and all other people may consider it completely normal. You can benefit here too. Analyze behavior to understand what is good and what is bad. Direct this negative quality, anger, towards your own stupidity, desire for degradation and self-destruction.
4. Thirst for fame
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be effective. Fame attracts other people, forcing them to copy the behavior of their adored idol. If you dream of fame, then sooner or later you will achieve it. It is what kind of leader you become - a bad or a good leader - that determines what your fans will be like. Preaching good qualities, You will bring them into society and receive your “percentage” according to the karmic law.
5. Envy
How to change your character if you are prone to envy? And is it worth it? In fact, the presence of envy means that at heart you are an ideal student who dreams of surpassing his teacher. It is enough to find the “right” object of envy to get a “magic kick”: quit your boring job 10 years ago and open your own business, start training at a sports club and forget about cakes, throw away all ordinary wardrobe items and men unworthy of you. Look, you'll be the one to envy!
6. Treason and betrayal
If you are capable of treason and betrayal, then you know how to give up the worst for the sake of the best. In principle, there is nothing wrong with this. At all times, people who renounced bad things in favor of something good were considered reasonable. Of course, your action may look from the outside as treason and betrayal, but in fact you can act for your own good. In any case, try to maintain decency and not reject the person too harshly. Almost any relationship can be ended on a friendly note.
7. Criticism
If you learn to use criticism correctly, you will bring yourself a lot of benefit. Critics see the smallest details, invisible to others. By switching your attention from bad events to good ones, you will see how the first leaves bloom in the spring, butterflies flutter and birds sing. You will be able to solve any problems, find a way out of any dead-end situations. All you have to do is just change your focus.
8. Laziness
Another well-known negative trait character - a tendency to laziness. However, sloths are patient. They will endure literally anything, just not to do any unnecessary actions. So, if you are pathologically lazy, feel free to choose the path of hardship and hardship. No matter what happens, you will reach your goal and achieve success in your chosen direction.
9. Brag
You are not averse to telling others about your personal victories, exclusive holidays on Cote d'Azur and membership in the best sports club in the city? You are a braggart. But there's nothing wrong with bragging. With the right transformation, you will become an ideal preacher or ideological inspirer. Your stories of personal achievement will inspire others and ignite their desire to strive for success.
10. Selfishness
It’s easy to recognize selfishness - you are fixated on personal interests, dreams and desires. We are ready to talk for hours about personal hobbies and plans for the weekend, unfair bosses and ups and downs in love. At first, friends and colleagues listen to you with interest, but over time they run away at the mere sight of you. How to change your character in the case of selfishness? To transform this trait, you simply need to listen to others. You will be surprised to find that every person... bright personality with a unique set of desires and interests, worldview.
And finally valuable advice. Associate with family, friends and colleagues who have the traits you want, and avoid those who exhibit negative qualities. Don’t be charged with negativity and don’t adopt a bad temper.
1. A real man emotionally stable
We all know that women have problems controlling their emotions. To be honest, sometimes men have it even worse. While women are “emotional” and letting off steam, men are “stewed” in their own thoughts. But all this happens until the man’s patience is overflowing and he explodes.
When something goes wrong in a relationship, women can safely scream, cry, complain, reproach, get angry, remain silent or starve out. But men are different! Weak men pretend that they are indifferent to everything that happens around them. But when their cup of patience is full, they look for a means to release their emotions. They start drinking, smoking, fucking everything that moves. And, unfortunately, such a period of silent war with his beloved woman leads to the fact that he begins to sleep with everyone.
A real man deals with his emotions differently, more restrained.
2. A real man has enough willpower to keep “his business” in his pants.
Sorry, gentlemen, for me to say this out loud, but if you are a man, you will naturally sleep with any beauty you meet along the way. I'm talking about bachelors now.
If you are a real man, then you will not risk a stable relationship for the sake of a few minutes of pleasure with an unfamiliar woman with whom you have some kind of chemistry and nothing more. If you want to sleep with someone, then why not do it with a woman who loves you?! If sex with your partner is a little boring to you, then diversify it. Both take part in this process, so, for example, if she does not lick the cream off you, then lick the cream off her yourself.
3. Real men don't date people they don't love, or don't even believe they can love one day.
Of course, we've all dated people we weren't in love with. In general, I don’t believe much in love at first sight, but cases are different. However, a large number of guys still date women simply for the sake of convenience. Why go out and look for someone when there is someone who can always come herself?!
Real men understand that women are not toys and do not perceive them simply as a way to satisfy their needs. When men know they can't love this woman, they end the relationship rather than stick with it in hopes that she can be their backup.
4. A real man is always respectful
People trust when they see respect in their direction. It is respect that is a mandatory aspect of communication, especially in relation to the woman you are dating.
Treason is a lie. It kills trust and shows that you do not take into account the feelings of your partner, friend, or just the person who has been next to you for a certain period of time. There is nothing worthy in betrayal; you don’t do that to loved ones. If a woman stops believing you, then this is final and irrevocable. I came to this conclusion after going through a long and difficult path of my own mistakes.
5. A real man doesn’t keep a list of his sexual partners.
He doesn’t need this to feel and understand himself as a real man. A real man knows for sure that he is a man. This is felt in his every movement and actions. And he doesn't do anything special about it. He doesn't need to expose himself. All this is reflected in his actions.
So many representatives of the strong half of humanity in modern society think that than more quantity the sexual partners they had, the better they were as men. Women are like a game to them, like a type of product to be collected.
Women are not toys! And the game we all play is called “life.” Betrayal sometimes costs too much, and with high stakes, you can even ruin your life.
6. A real man will never harm the woman he loves.
I will be honest with you, a real man will not offend any of the women. A real man takes care of himself and all those who are near and dear to him. If you are already lucky enough to meet the woman you really love, and you haven’t managed to lose her, then do everything possible and impossible to make her smile.
There is nothing worse than losing someone you love so much. Mistakes are mistakes, but there is such a thing as forgiveness.
Women who can do ANYTHING! Very interesting article.
Psychologists have studied the relationships of many couples and came to the conclusion that men almost never cheat on women with such qualities!
The best, strongest men most often find themselves next to such women. And they know for sure that they are incredibly lucky.
Cheating in relationships is practically the scourge of our time. However, if most women knew about these qualities, then infidelity could be prevented. Read, learn and take into account. It’s not scary if you think that you don’t have these qualities, because in fact, every woman has the germs of these qualities, it’s important to simply develop them.
Energy.
This is the most important thing; without energy, the presence of subsequent qualities will not be of much fundamental importance. This woman is “alive”, attracting those around her, not necessarily men, with her vital energy.
With her there are different sensations, feelings become more intense, emotions come to life (from hatred to crazy passion), she leaves no one indifferent. The words sound different, it is important that she pays attention to them, the gift of eloquence may even awaken, or you want to speak in pretentious phrases in order to show her your great interest.
Next to such a woman, events in life become brighter, “more voluminous” and more meaningful. Her energy attracts like a magnet, you just want to be with her and enjoy. Many even agree to just communicate, being in the illusion that this will be enough for them.
They agree to this in order to be close, because without her life will not be so rich. Everything about her: a look, a gait, a word, any movement causes a slight shaking of the air, and those around them try to become infected with this vital energy virus in the hope that it is still transmitted by airborne droplets.
Unpredictability.
You never know what to expect from her, the most surprising thing is that such a woman herself does not always know what happened to her, that she has changed so much. But this mystery and unpredictability make you freeze in her presence from fear and excitement. After all, no one knows what will happen next, whether it will be great happiness or deepest disappointment, and maybe tender charm, or simply nothing will happen.
Confidence and life force.
There is a very clear line here; if confidence, self-sufficiency and resilience are the leading qualities, then this is a different woman, not the one we are talking about. The confidence and vitality of a woman who hasn't been cheated on comes from her energy. This is some kind of inexplicable knowledge that everything will work out, come true and come true. She can put a lot of effort into achieving a goal, but when she really believes in it! Faith in your man has the same incredible power, and they don’t cheat on someone like that.
Knows what he wants.
Such a woman can always answer what she wants now, almost without thinking. She lives in harmony with her own soul and body. And she may even include instructions for using her most complex “parts,” because she is the one who knows what she needs.
Knows his worth. This woman is not materialistic, not too self-confident and demanding, she really knows her worth. And often weak men lose here, refusing to achieve, considering such demands excessive, and even trying to check: is she a queen? And she is a queen! Exactly.
And this does not mean that she demands castles and all the attributes of royal life, but she will not say that with “darling there is paradise in a hut.” She knows what standard of living and attitude is needed, and knows how to inspire a man to achieve his goals, while being sincerely grateful for what he does. It’s just important to unravel her secret. It's not that difficult - listen to what she says.
Smart.
Smart, wise, intellectual, engaged in self-development and the development of relationships, interested - an excellent competent interlocutor, she does not stand still.
Sincere, even if tough.
It takes a lot of courage to be truly sincere, but... dear men, this is a great gift - the sincerity of such a woman. It's more than living one life. Her sincerity can be so sincere that philosophers and writers can envy her, and sometimes so cruel, but so truthful.
You want to run away from this truth, but it penetrates into the very heart and helps you stay, bringing with it insight and then inspiration. I remind you that this is destiny strong men!
Sexy.
She is beautiful in appearance, intellectually, energetically and sexually. Here it is Vital energy bursts forth and hits those nearby. Her appearance may not be provocative, but it seems that the energy that exists in her emphasizes every curve of her body.
The desire for her is so strong that sometimes it is impossible for even the most decent family men to resist. But she cannot be bought, only she herself decides who will be next to her!
If a person seems to be a pretender to himself, it means he is developing.
Authenticity now they consider it almost the main advantage of a leader. But they imagine it too simplified, which does not help managers grow faster in a professional and career sense and play more important role in their companies.
Let me give you an example. Cynthia, director of a healthcare company. When she took this position, she had ten times more subordinates and enterprises over which she supervised than before. But at first high position she felt out of place. Cynthia has always professed the principle of transparency and cooperation, and therefore honestly told her new subordinates: “I want to work in this position, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to cope without your help.” Her directness backfired on her: people who needed a decisive, self-confident boss could not trust her. Another example. George, a top manager at a Malaysian parts company. There was a clear chain of command, and decisions were made by majority vote. At some point the company was bought by a Danish global corporation with matrix structure, and George found himself in the company of people who always made decisions through free, unconstrained discussion.
It was not easy to get used to this George; a new style contradicted his country's usual ideas of modesty. After a comprehensive appraisal, the boss said that he needed to promote his ideas more energetically and remind others more often of his achievements. George understood him in the sense that you either have to get used to the role - pretend to be a person ready to go ahead, or the end of your career. Going against oneself, a person feels like a pretender and clings, like to a saving straw, to his own specialness, originality, justifying his reluctance to master the new, unusual. But there are very few jobs where you don’t have to put any effort into yourself. What can we say about the situation when, as happened with Cynthia, George and other top managers, a person is promoted and the requirements for him change? In studying research on transitions to leadership positions, I noticed that every promotion forces a person to abandon the usual. But it is precisely at this time that he especially wants to remain the same. When we are not confident in ourselves or that we can keep the bar high and meet expectations in new conditions, we usually retreat - we begin to behave and lead in a way that is more familiar and convenient for us.
But my research also shows that a person learns to lead most easily and quickly in a situation where his sense of self is eroded. Anyone who perceives himself as a “work in progress”, who develops his professional “I” through trial and error, gradually develops his own unique style, natural for the person himself and corresponding to his organization. This requires determination, because when mastering a new style, a person initially understands the new role superficially, feels unnatural in it, and therefore seems insincere to himself. But the only way to resist and ultimately become a real leader is to do what is generally contrary to our deepest self.
Why do leaders find it difficult to be themselves?
The word “original” is usually used when talking about a work of art - an original, not a copy. If you apply it to management, then the meaning, of course, changes and becomes ambiguous. For example, calls to be true to one’s true self can lead a person into a dead end: this is proven by the results of many studies devoted to how people develop, gaining experience, how new facets appear in them that no amount of self-analysis would reveal. But being extremely transparent, putting absolutely all your thoughts and feelings on public display is both impossible and risky (see sidebar “What is authenticity?”).
For today's leaders, authenticity is a stumbling block for several reasons. Firstly, people are now increasingly changing their profession. If a person wants to improve in his business, then a clear idea of himself, like a compass, helps him reach his goal and make the right decisions. But if he needs to learn something new, then a too rigid, frozen image of his own “I”, like an anchor, holds him in place. This is exactly what happened to Cynthia at first. Secondly, in global business, many people work alongside people with different cultural norms and ideas, including how to behave. It often seems that we have to choose between what is “right,” which means effective, and what is natural. An example of this is George. Thirdly, in modern world developed Internet and social networks people with all their individuality are always visible. For a leader, it is becoming increasingly important how he appears in front of others - not only as a boss, but also simply as a person with his own characteristics and interests.
The need to carefully sculpt a face that is put on public display may be distasteful to his true self. After conducting dozens of interviews with talented executives faced with new demands, I realized that the most often their authenticity is tested in the following cases.
Taking on a new position.
Everyone knows that when a person moves to a new leadership job, the first 90 days are crucial. The first impression is formed quickly, and a lot depends on it. Leaders behave in different ways, each in accordance with their own character. new role, when those around them closely watch their every step and word, and the workload increases noticeably.
Psychologist Mark Snyder from the University of Minnesota identified two psychological type- everyone predetermines how a person will lead others. People who constantly evaluate how they look from the outside (with a sensitive social self-perception; I call them “chameleons”) are able and willing to adapt to any situation. At the same time, they do not feel like pretenders - this is natural for them. “Chameleons” care about their public reputation, and behind external self-confidence and pressure they often hide their vulnerability.
And if it doesn’t work out right away, as we would like, they will “try it on”, as if new clothes, different styles until they find the most suitable one - both for them and for the circumstances. Thanks to this flexibility, they usually move forward quickly. But life can be complicated for chameleons if they are seen as insincere and immoral, even if they are expressing their true chameleon nature. “True to themselves” (people with weak self-perception, according to Snyder), on the contrary, are not inclined to hide what they think and feel, even if it is inappropriate. People of this type - this includes Cynthia and George - face another danger: they become too accustomed to a certain manner of behavior, and this prevents them from fitting into new conditions, changing their style, delving into the situation and gaining experience. This is exactly the case with Cynthia. It seemed to her that if she led with her characteristic utmost openness, everything would work out for her. She turned to her new team for support, honestly admitting some of her confusion. She tried to study aspects and nuances of business that were unfamiliar to her and, sparing no effort, personally participated in the discussion of all problems and their solutions. After a few months, she felt exhausted and empty.
In addition, her sincerity - her admission of self-doubt - damaged her reputation. Reflecting on that time several years later, Cynthia told me, “Being yourself doesn’t mean that if you are held up to the light, you can be seen through.” But then, instead of building trust with her subordinates, she made them doubt her ability to be their leader. In such cases, the inability to delegate authority and properly inform subordinates is only part of the problem. The most important thing is to take the correct distance in an unfamiliar situation. Stanford psychologist Deborah Grunfeld talks about the need to look golden mean between power and accessibility. The manager’s right to power is ensured by his special knowledge and experience, higher professionalism than that of his subordinates, and a certain distance only emphasizes this. To be “one of his own,” he builds relationships with people, emphasizes their contribution to the common cause, respects their point of view and manages them, sympathizing with them. The search for the right proportion causes a severe crisis of authenticity among those who are true to themselves, because they usually adhere to one of these two styles. Cynthia put herself in the position of being too accessible and vulnerable, and this “de-energized” her. Her new, higher position required greater distance from her subordinates in order to gain their trust and master new functions.
Propaganda of your ideas (and yourself).
As a manager grows in his career, his tasks change: if previously he mainly put forward ideas, now he must convince them of their prospects different groups interests. Inexperienced managers, especially those who are “true to themselves,” are disgusted by the very idea of the need to seek the support of colleagues - all this, from their point of view, is just pretense and intrigue. They believe that their work speaks for itself.
Here's an example. Anna, top manager transport company, doubled its division's revenue and completely rebuilt its core workflows. However, her boss believed that she did not have enough gunpowder to lead people. In addition, Anna knew that she was doing a poor job as a member of the board of directors of her parent company: she was talking about the wrong things. The chairman of the board, who thought in broad categories, was often irritated by her clinging to details. She only heard from him: “more active, wider, more fiery.” And Anna understood this in the sense that form should prevail over content. “But I think it’s manipulative,” she told me during an interview. - I can talk too, but I don’t want to play on people’s feelings. And so openly pull their strings.” Like many other novice managers, she refused to write emotionally rich texts in order to inspire subordinates to work feats: it was more natural for her to operate with facts and figures.
Therefore, she and the chairman of the board of directors did not understand each other: instead of gaining a valuable ally in him, Anna persisted in her adherence to facts. In fact, many managers are aware that they good ideas and potential will go unnoticed if they do not actively express themselves. However, they are unable to bring themselves to do this. “I maintain relationships not with those I know, but with those who are close to me professionally. In addition, my choice is based on how I can be useful to the business,” one manager told me. - Maybe in terms of a career it’s not too smart. But I can’t go against my convictions... Therefore, my connections don’t really help me advance.”
Until a person begins to perceive career as a way to expand his capabilities and strengthen his position - in the interests of the entire organization, not just his own, he will feel uncomfortable extolling his virtues to influential people. It is especially difficult for those “true to themselves” to present themselves correctly to management precisely when it is most needed - at the beginning of work, before they have yet proven themselves in action. But, according to research, by gaining experience and gaining confidence in their own benefit to the organization, a person overcomes his indecision.
Reaction to negative evaluation.
Many strong managers first encounter the fact that someone is dissatisfied with their work precisely when they move to a high position. Even if critical statements are not new, they seem scarier because falling from above is more painful. But usually managers convince themselves that some inadequacy of their “natural” style is an inevitable price to pay for efficiency. Jacob is a product manager for a food company. During the certification process, his direct subordinates did not rate his emotional intelligence, ability to unite a team, and empower his subordinates highly.
One employee wrote that Jacob doesn't take criticism well. Another is that after an outburst of anger, he suddenly, as if nothing had happened, made a joke, not realizing that such a sudden change in mood confuses people. For a person who sincerely believed that he had created an atmosphere of trust in the team, it was not easy to digest all this. Having come to his senses a little, Jacob realized that he had already heard all this (his colleagues and subordinates had already said something like that before). “I thought I had changed,” he recalled, “but not much, it seemed.” Nevertheless, he explained to the boss what and how: “Sometimes you have to be strict in order to get results, but people don’t like it. But this is my job.” Of course, he did not understand the main thing. Because people speak poorly of management style rather than of professional knowledge and skill, managers often see their assessments as a threat to their individuality - as if they are being forced to abandon themselves. That's exactly how Jacob understood it. Yes, he can be quick-tempered, but, in his opinion, it was thanks to his “rigor” that he worked well.
In fact, he achieved success despite himself. As Jacob's responsibilities expanded and his responsibilities increased, his habit of tightly controlling subordinates became a real problem: micromanaging wasted time that he should have been devoting to strategic tasks. The most famous leader of this type is Margaret Thatcher. Those who worked with her remembered how ruthlessly she treated those who were not as thoroughly prepared for the work as she was. She could publicly humiliate a person, she, as you know, did not know how to listen to others and considered compromise to be the lot of the faint-hearted. When the whole world began to call her the Iron Lady, she believed even more in the correctness of her ideas and the correctness of forceful methods. She was such a skilled speaker and such a persuasive skill that she could make anyone obey, and she constantly honed her skills. But in the end she had to leave her post - she was removed by her own cabinet.
That our life is a game!
This inflexible self-image is a consequence of too much introspection. If a person looks only within himself for answers, he unwittingly perpetuates old ways of seeing the world and outdated ideas about himself. By ignoring the benefits of what I call outside perspective—the outside perspective he gets from learning new leadership styles—he cannot break free from the captivity of his habitual way of thinking and acting. To learn to think like a leader, you need to start with actions: participate in new projects, take on new tasks, interact with people of the most different types, try to do your job in a new way. First experience, then reflection and analysis - but not vice versa, especially during the transition period. It is action that changes us and our ideas about what is worth doing.
You can, fortunately, learn to "perceive from the outside" and gradually master the "adaptive-authentic" style, but this requires looking at things in a fun way. Consider that developing leadership skills is not so much about working on yourself, but about trying to try on a variety of “selves.” If we have a fun attitude, we are open to new things. If you are one today and another tomorrow, this is not deception; we are simply experimenting to see what suits our new challenges and circumstances. My research shows that there are three ways to begin this preparation.
Imitate different people.
Learning presupposes imitation - and the understanding that in principle there is no such thing as “not borrowed”. As a leader develops, he begins to perceive authenticity not as his essence, but as the ability to master features of style or behavior observed in others, making them his own. Just don’t copy the style of any one leader - let there be many examples to follow. It’s one thing to “copy” everything from one person, and quite another to selectively borrow certain features from different people, create your own “collage”, which can be further refined and improved. As playwright Wilson Misner said, “To rewrite one author is plagiarism, to rewrite many is search.”
I noticed how important this approach was when I observed investment bankers and analysts who were promoted from analytical and project activities for positions related to consulting and selling new businesses. Most of them are on new job felt insecure and seemed incompetent, but the chameleons who found themselves among them consciously adopted the style and tactics of the most powerful leaders - and, by imitating, learned, for example, to defuse the situation at meetings with jokes and unobtrusively form a common opinion. The Chameleons essentially bluffed until they found something they were completely happy with.
And their bosses, seeing their efforts, supported them with advice and deeds and shared unofficial information. As a result, the “chameleons” developed their own and more appropriate styles management much faster than those “true to themselves” who only demonstrated their professionalism. Often those who were “true to themselves” came to the conclusion that their bosses were “idleheads”, which means there was nothing to learn from them. Since there was no ideal model, everything seemed fake to them. Unfortunately, the bosses, seeing how difficult it was for them to adapt to new conditions, explained this solely by their reluctance to make an effort on themselves and did not deal with them as much as they did with the “chameleons”.
Improve yourself.
If a person sets goals for himself related to learning new things (and not just work), this helps him try on different guises and not feel like a pretender, since he does not expect everything to work out perfectly right away. He stops protecting his usual self from the threats that change brings, and begins to think about what kind of leader he might make. Of course, in a new place everyone wants to show themselves with the best side: choose the right strategy, perform feats of labor, achieve your goals. But by focusing only on this, a person begins to avoid the risks that always accompany learning something new. Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck showed in her original experiments that a person cannot learn or perform new or unusual tasks if it is important to him how he appears in the eyes of others.
Work goals encourage us to demonstrate to others that we have valuable qualities, such as intelligence and communication skills, and to prove to ourselves that we have them. And if our goals are related to learning, then we really develop these valuable qualities. When we are in the mood for work, we try to show ourselves in the best possible light. And when we study, our desire to be ourselves in the way we work and lead coincides with an equally strong desire for personal and professional growth. One top manager worked very well with a small group, but in crowded meetings he walled himself off from new ideas; he felt that the comments of others would confuse him, and he sought refuge in long, boring presentations. To master a more relaxed, improvisational style, he made it a point to “do without PowerPoint.” He himself was surprised at how much he learned - not only about his own constantly changing preferences, but also about unsolved problems.
Don't focus on "your story."
Many can talk about fateful moments in their lives that force a person to draw important conclusions. Consciously or not, a person allows his stories and the image of himself that these stories paint to guide him in new circumstances. But as we develop, stories can become outdated, so from time to time they need to be thoroughly adjusted, or even completely thrown out and started all over again.
This happened with Maria, who, having already become a leader, perceived herself as a “mother hen with chicks.” Her coach, former CEO of the Ogilvy and Mother advertising agency Charlotte Beers, explains in the book I'd Rather Be in Charge that Maria developed this understanding of herself at a time when she had to sacrifice your own desires and goals for the sake of their well-being big family. This image at some point began to interfere with her professional growth. Although Maria had a reputation as a friendly and dedicated team member and peacemaker, she was not promoted to the high-level leadership position she dreamed of. Together with her coach, Maria found another guideline key moment of her life, one that was more consistent not with the old Maria, but with the new one, how she would like to see herself in the future. They chose the period when Maria, then a young woman, left her family for a year and a half and traveled around the world.
Starting from this bolder image, she asked for a promotion that she had previously considered impossible - and got it. Dan McAdams, a psychology professor at Northwestern University who has spent his entire career professional activity studied life histories, he says this about “my self”: it is “an internalized and evolving history, it consists of what exactly a person subjectively chooses from his past, present and future.” This is not just a scientific definition. McAdams believes that you need to believe in your story - but also consider how it changes over time in accordance with human needs. It is useful to remember new stories about yourself and do not forget to correct them from time to time - like your resume. Again, the revision of life history itself is a process directed both inward and outward to a person. The stories he chooses must not only sum up his human experience and goals, but also reflect the demands of the environment and resonate with others.
Countless books and consultants advise a leader to begin his journey with a clear understanding of who he is. But following this advice, it's easy to get stuck in the past. Your leadership can and should change each time you rise to the next level in the hierarchy.
The only way to develop your leadership skills- expand the boundaries of your “I”: take on new things - something that will make you feel insecure, but will also teach you how to become what you want to become. Such development does not imply a complete abandonment of the former self. As a rule, it is enough to change a little - the way a person behaves, communicates, interacts with others - and the effect of his leadership increases many times over.
