"I - you" messages. The shortest I-message
"I-message" techniqueWhat do you usually say to a person when you are unhappy with his behavior or action? “You're late again,” “You didn't fulfill the request,” “You constantly leave the door open,” as well as many other phrases, the meaning of which depends on the specific situation. What do all these statements have in common? They all start with blaming another person. In psychology, such phrases are called You-messages.
Such evaluative and accusatory judgments usually put a person in a defensive position; he subconsciously has the feeling that he is being attacked. That is why in most cases, in response to such a phrase, a person begins to defend himself, and the best way defense, as we know, is attack. As a result, such a conversation threatens to develop into a conflict, and an unproductive one at that.
Using I-messages will help you avoid conflicts and at the same time make your partner hear you. The I-message technique can be successfully used in both family and business communication. Any dissatisfaction that we usually express through a You message can be presented to a person in a different way, using the technique of I messages. The phrase in this case consists of four main parts:
1. You need to start the phrase with a description of the fact that does not suit you in the behavior of another person. And do this philologically as neutrally as possible, best in impersonal or vaguely personal sentences. No judgment from another person! For example, like this: “When people are late...”, “When you have to ask for a long time,” “When the door remains open.”
3. Then you need to explain how this behavior affects you or others. In the example of being late, the continuation could be: “because I have to stand at the entrance and freeze,” “because it’s drafty from the door,” “because it seems like we are strangers.”
4. In the optional fourth, reinforcing, final part of the phrase, you must communicate your desire, that is, what behavior you would like to see instead of the one that caused you dissatisfaction. I’ll continue with examples: “I would really like you to call me if you can’t come on time,” “I would prefer the door to be closed,” “I would like to count on your help.”
As a result, instead of the accusation “You’re late again,” we get a phrase like “When you’re late, I get angry because I have to freeze outside for a long time. I would really like you to call me if you can’t make it on time.”
You-message “You constantly do not fulfill my requests” can be replaced with I-message “When I have to ask for a long time, I get upset because it seems that we are strangers. I would be glad to count on your help." You-message “You left the door open again” turns into “When the door is open, it’s drafty and I’m afraid of catching a cold. I would like it to be closed all the time."
Using the I-message technique requires some experience, since it is not always possible to quickly navigate and rearrange a phrase, but over time it will work out better and better. The I-message technique does not force the partner to defend himself; on the contrary, it invites him to dialogue, gives him the opportunity to express his opinion and leaves both participants in the dialogue room for maneuver.
I stole it... from where I don’t remember) But it’s interesting!
Let's start with examples. Consider some statements from parents:
1. I don’t like it when children walk around disheveled, and I’m embarrassed by the looks of my neighbors.
2. It’s hard for me to get ready for work when someone is crawling under my feet, and I keep tripping.
3. Loud music really tires me out.
Notice that all these sentences contain the personal pronouns I, ME, ME. Therefore, psychologists called statements of this kind “I-MESSAGES.”
Some parent might say it differently:
1. What kind of look do YOU have?
2. Stop crawling around here, YOU are bothering me.
3. Could you please be quieter?
Such statements use the words YOU, YOU, YOU. They can be called YOU-MESSAGES.”
At first glance, the difference between “I-” and “You-messages” is small. Moreover, the latter are more familiar and “more convenient”. However, in response to them, the child is offended, defensive, and insolent. Therefore, it is advisable to avoid them. After all, every “You-message” essentially contains an attack, accusation or criticism towards the child. Here's a typical dialogue:
- When will you finally start cleaning your room?! (Accusation.)
- Well, that's enough, dad. After all, this is my room!
- How are you talking to me?! (Condemnation, threat.)
- What did I say?
So, RULE: When you talk about your feelings to your child, speak in the FIRST PERSON. Report ABOUT YOURSELF, YOUR experience, not about him, not about his behavior.
The “I-message” has a number of ADVANTAGES compared to the “You-message”.
1. IT ALLOWS YOU TO EXPRESS YOUR NEGATIVE FEELINGS IN A FORM THAT IS NON-HARMFUL TO YOUR CHILD. Some parents try to suppress outbursts of anger or irritation to avoid conflict. However, this does not lead to the desired result. It is impossible to completely suppress our emotions, and the child always knows whether we are angry or not. And if they are angry, then he, in turn, may be offended, withdrawn, or start an open quarrel. It turns out the opposite: instead of peace, there is war.
Recently I had the opportunity to witness a conversation between an eleven-year-old girl and her mother. The girl was upset and, crying, remembered all her “grievances.” “Don’t think that I don’t understand how you treat me. I see everything! For example, today, when you came in and we were playing the tape recorder instead of studying homework, you got angry with me, although you didn’t say anything. And I saw it, I saw it, you don’t have to deny it. I understood it from the way you looked at me, even the way you turned your head!”
This girl's reaction was a direct result of her mother's hidden dissatisfaction. I thought: what subtle and observant “psychologists” our children are, and what a lesson this girl taught her mother (and me at the same time), breaking the cold ice of unnecessary silence and giving vent to her feelings.
2. “I-MESSAGE” GIVES CHILDREN AN OPPORTUNITY TO KNOW US, PARENTS, CLOSER. We often shield ourselves from children with the armor of “authority,” which we try to maintain at all costs. We wear the “teacher” mask and are afraid to lift it even for a moment. Sometimes children are amazed to learn that mom and dad can feel anything at all. This makes a lasting impression on them. The main thing is that it makes the adult closer, more humane.
I recently overheard a mother talking on the phone to her ten-year-old son. Mom (a teacher by profession) told him about how a difficult lesson for her was successful. “You know,” she said, “how worried I was this morning. But everything ended well, and I'm very happy. And are you happy? Thank you!" It was nice to see such emotional closeness between mother and son.
3. WHEN WE ARE OPEN AND SINCERE IN EXPRESSING OUR FEELINGS, CHILDREN BECOME MORE SINCERE IN EXPRESSING THEIR. Children begin to feel: adults trust them, and they can trust them too.
Here is a letter from one mother who asks if she did the right thing. “My husband and I separated when our son was six years old. Now he is eleven, and he has begun to deeply, consciously, but mostly to himself, miss his father. Somehow he blurted out: “I would go to the cinema with dad, but I don’t want to go with you.” Once, when my son directly said that he was bored and sad, I told him: “Yes, son, you are very sad, and sad, probably, because we don’t have a dad. And I'm not happy either. If only you had a dad and I had a husband, life would be much more interesting for us.” My son burst into tears: he leaned against my shoulder, quiet bitter tears flowed.
I also cried secretly. But it became easier for both of us. I thought about this day for a long time and somewhere in the depths of my soul I understood that I had done the right thing. Isn't it true?
Mom intuitively found the right words and told the boy about his experience ( active listening), and also talked about her (“I-message”). And the fact that it became easier for both, that mother and son became closer to each other, is the best proof of the effectiveness of these methods. Children very quickly learn the manner of communication from their parents. This also applies to the “I-message”.
“Since I started using “I-messages,” writes the father of a five-year-old girl, “my daughter’s requests like “Give me!”, “Play with me!” have almost disappeared. More often it sounds: “I want to”, “I can’t wait any longer.”
4. BY EXPRESSING THEIR FEELINGS WITHOUT ORDERS OR REPRODUCTIONS, WE RESERVE THE OPPORTUNITY FOR CHILDREN TO MAKE DECISIONS THEMSELVES. And then - surprisingly - they begin to take into account our desires and experiences.
Let me give you a case told by the mother of a four-year-old boy.
“My son and I came to the pharmacy. He wanted vitamins, I bought them for him.
Then he saw others and began to ask for them too. I said: “Seryozha, let’s agree: when these vitamins run out, I’ll buy others.” But he started whining, and then he started pushing me and screaming, so that those around me could hear. I felt very unpleasant and ashamed. I no longer noticed anyone around, I didn’t know how to get out of the situation. And then I said loudly:
- I am terribly ashamed of such a scene.
And suddenly Seryozha looked around, looked around at everyone, then pressed himself close to me, hugged my legs and said:
- Mom, let's go. As you wish. That's how many vitamins you tell me to eat, that's how much I'll eat. If you say one, I’ll eat one, if you say two, I’ll eat two.
So we went home. He kept looking into my eyes and repeating how many vitamins he would take.”
Many parents sometimes find it difficult to contain negative emotions when communicating with their child. They lash out at their son or daughter, and then are tormented by a feeling of guilt and ask what to do. How to avoid this?
Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter is a teacher, psychologist and professor at the Faculty of Psychology at Moscow State University. In his books “Communicate with a child: how?” and “Communicate with your child: right?” she teaches parents how to competently resolve child-parent conflicts without hurting the child’s psyche.
Instead of: “You’re bad,” say “I’m upset by your behavior.”
Yulia Borisovna and other psychologists pay special attention to the “I-message” technique. It lies in the fact that it is better for parents to evaluate the child’s actions by describing their condition, and not his behavior. Instead of: “You did something bad” (“You-message”), you should say: “I’m upset by your behavior” (“I-message”). That is, speaking in the first person about your experiences about the child’s behavior, and not making judgments about him.
In this way we get rid of the accusatory tone, which causes hostility or protest in the child. By talking about your child’s behavior using “I-messages”, it becomes easier to build a constructive dialogue. This way, your daughter or son will become your allies in solving the problem, and will not feel like they are in the dock.
How to communicate using “I messages”?
1. Use I-Messages More Often to Express Your Positive Emotions
The baby needs to feel his parents. Tell him more often: “I’m glad to see you,” “I love you,” “I like playing with you.”
2. Listen to the child without interrupting
The child does not yet know how to express his feelings the way adults can. And you shouldn't expect this from him. First, listen to everything he tells you, asking clarifying questions.
Teach your child to formulate whims and dissatisfaction using “I-messages.” Let him talk about how he feels. For example, your son tells you: “Mom, I don’t want to go to school tomorrow.” You answer: “Are you tired and want to rest?” Or the daughter came from the street and declared: “I won’t play with Masha anymore, she’s greedy!” Reframe it as: “Are you mad that she didn’t give you her doll?” Such phrases allow you to establish contact with the child: after making sure that he is understood, the child will readily share his difficulties and allow you to help resolve them.
4. Express dissatisfaction with your child’s actions, but not with him.
You can and should express dissatisfaction, but not with the child himself, but with his actions. "I-messages" allow you to express own feelings instead of blaming the child: “I get upset when you say bad words,” and not “You say bad words,” and in no case “You are a bad boy for saying bad words.”
The main message that the child receives from you in this case is: “You are dear to me, I love you very much, but your action upsets me.”
5. Tell us about the reasons for your dissatisfaction
After you have expressed your dissatisfaction to your child using I-messages, talk about the reasons for it. For example, your growing daughter returned late from a walk with friends, you were worried, and tomorrow is a new working day. Tell your daughter that it will be difficult for you to fall asleep, and tomorrow you need to get up early for work. Naturally, also using “I-messages”.
If the child still does not understand you, return to point 1: “Use “I-messages” more often.”
6. Describe what behavior you expect from your child
At the end of the conversation with your child, explain to him what behavior you expect from him. If we take the above example of communication with a teenage daughter, the phrase would look like this: “I would really like you to come home earlier from a walk.”
If the child has already grown up, then he may not agree with the line of behavior that you propose. In this case, it is necessary to seek a compromise and return to point 2 “Listen to the child without interrupting.”
7. Describe the consequences of productive interactions.
You will become a master at communicating with your own child if you describe not only what happens when the child does not listen, but also why you require a certain interaction from him. For example, behind the anxiety of a mother who is worried that her daughter is coming home late from a walk, there is a desire to interact more with the maturing teenager. “If you come back earlier, you and I will be able to communicate more and discuss what’s going on in your life.”
Ekaterina Kushnir
Learning to communicate. I am a message.
When you talk about your feelings to a child, you speak from the FIRST PERSON: ABOUT YOURSELF, ABOUT YOUR experiences, and not about HIM, not about HIS behavior.
Psychologists call statements of this kind "I-messages."
They can be like this:
1. I I don’t like it when children walk around disheveled, and to me I'm embarrassed by the looks of my neighbors.
2. To me it’s hard to get ready for work when someone is crawling under your feet, and I I stumble all the time.
3. Me Loud music is very tiring.
One of the parents might say differently:
1. Well you for the view!
2. Stop crawling around here, You You're disturbing me!
3. You Could you be quieter?!
Such statements use words you, you, you. They can be called “You-messages.”
At first glance, the difference between the “I-message” and the “You-message” is small. Moreover, the latter are more familiar and “more convenient”. However, in response to them the child becomes offended, defends himself, and is insolent. Therefore, it is advisable to avoid them.
After all, every “You message” essentially contains an attack, accusation or criticism of the child. Here's a typical dialogue:
When will you finally start cleaning your room?! (Accusation.)
Well, that's enough, dad. After all, this is my room!
How do you talk to me? (Condemnation, threat.)
What did I say?
"I-message" has a series benefits compared to “You are the message.”
1. It allows you to express your negative feelings in a way that is not offensive to the child. Some parents try to suppress outbursts of anger or irritation to avoid conflict. However, this does not lead to the desired result. As already mentioned, it is impossible to completely suppress our emotions, and the child always knows whether we are angry or not. And if they are angry, then he, in turn, may be offended, withdrawn, or start an open quarrel. It turns out the opposite: instead of peace, there is war.
Recently I had the opportunity to witness a conversation between an eleven-year-old girl and her mother. The girl was upset and, crying, remembered all her “grievances”:
“Don’t think that I don’t understand how you treat me. I see everything! For example, today, when you came in and we were playing the tape recorder, instead of studying homework, you got angry with me, although you didn’t say anything. And I saw it, I saw it, you don’t have to deny it! I understood it from the way you looked at me, even the way you turned your head!”
This girl's reaction was a direct result of her mother's hidden dissatisfaction. I thought: what subtle and observant “psychologists” our children are, and what a lesson this girl taught her mother (and me at the same time), breaking the cold ice of unnecessary silence and giving vent to her feelings!
2. “I-message” gives children the opportunity to get to know us, their parents, better. We often shield ourselves from children with the armor of “authority,” which we try to maintain at all costs. We wear the “teacher” mask and are afraid to lift it even for a moment. Sometimes children are amazed to learn that mom and dad can feel anything at all! This makes a lasting impression on them. The main thing is that it makes the adult closer, more humane.
I recently overheard a mother talking on the phone to her ten-year-old son. Mom (a teacher by profession) told him about how a difficult lesson for her was successful. “You know,” she said, “how worried I was this morning. But everything ended well, and I’m very happy! And are you happy? Thank you!". It was nice to see such emotional closeness between mother and son.
3. When we are open and sincere in expressing our feelings, children become sincere in expressing theirs. Children begin to feel: adults trust them, and they can be trusted too.
Here is a letter from one mother who asks if she did the right thing:
“My husband and I separated when our son was six years old. Now he is eleven, and he has begun to deeply, consciously, but mostly to himself, miss his father. Somehow he blurted out: “I would go to the cinema with dad, but I don’t want to go with you.” Once, when my son directly said that he was bored and sad, I told him: “Yes, son, you are very sad, and sad, probably, because we don’t have a dad. And I'm not happy either. If only you had a dad and I had a husband, life would be much more interesting for us. My son burst into tears: he leaned against my shoulder, quiet bitter tears flowed.
I also cried secretly. But it became easier for both of us... I thought about this day for a long time and somewhere in the depths of my soul I understood that I had done the right thing. Isn’t it true?”
Mom intuitively found the right words: she told the boy about his experience (active listening), and also talked about her own (“I-message”). And the fact that it became easier for both, that mother and son became closer to each other, is the best proof of the effectiveness of these methods. Children very quickly learn the manner of communication from their parents. This also applies to the “I-message”.
“Since I started using “I-messages,” writes the father of a five-year-old girl, “my daughter’s requests like: “Give me!”, “Play with me!” almost disappeared. More often it sounds like “I want...”, “I can’t wait any longer.”
In this way, it is much easier for parents to learn about the child’s feelings and needs.
4. And lastly: by expressing our feelings without orders or reprimands, we leave the children the opportunity to make their own decisions. And then - amazing! - they begin to take into account our desires and experiences.
Learning to send “I messages” is not easy, just like actively listening to a child. It will take practice, and at first it will be difficult to avoid mistakes. One of them is that sometimes, having started with an “I message,” parents end the phrase with a “You message.”
For example: " To me don't like that You such a slob!” or " Me it's annoying yours whine!”
This mistake can be avoided if you use impersonal sentences, indefinite pronouns, and generalizing words. For example:
I don't like it when people sit down at the table with dirty hands.
It annoys me when children whine.
Quests
Choose from the parents’ answers the one that most closely matches the “I-message.” (You will find the answers at the end of this lesson.)
Situation 1. You repeatedly call your daughter to sit down at the table. She replies: “Now,” and continues to go about her business. You started to get angry. Your words:
1. How many times do you have to tell me!
2. I get angry when I have to repeat the same thing.
3. I get angry when you don't listen.
Situation 2. You are having an important conversation with a friend. The child interrupts him every now and then. Your words:
1. It is difficult for me to have a conversation when I am interrupted.
2. Don't interrupt the conversation.
3. Can't you do something else while I'm talking?
Situation 3. You come home tired. Your teenage son has friends, music and fun. There are traces of their tea party on the table. You experience a mixed feeling of irritation and resentment (“You should at least think about me!”). Your words:
1. Doesn’t it occur to you that I might be tired?!
2. Put away your dishes.
3. I get offended and angry when I come home tired and find the house in a mess.
Answers to the task.
Situation 1.
The “I message” will be phrase 2.
In replica 1 there is a typical “You-message”, phrase 3 begins as “I-message”, and then turns into “You-message”.
Situation 2.
“I-message” - phrase 1, both others - “You-message”. Although “you” is absent in the second phrase, it is implied (read “between the lines”).
Situation 3.
“I-message” - phrase 3.
From the book Gippenreiter Yu.B. “HOW to communicate with a child?”
Interesting fact: the madness you fall into today simply did not exist 10, 20 years ago. Back then, you wouldn't be compulsively checking your phone every few minutes, either angry or frustrated, tormented simply because someone didn't send you a quick, stupid message.
Modern romance is stressful, especially when it comes to texting. In 2010, only 10% of young people used texting to ask someone out for the first time. In 2013 - already 32%. More and more more people sitting alone, staring at the phone screen, and at the same time experiencing a whole range of emotions.
A few minutes passed and my message status changed to read. My heart stopped. Here it is, the moment of truth. I got ready and watched without stopping as these little dots appeared on the smartphone screen, indicating that someone was typing an answer to you. It feels like a slow ride up to the highest part of a roller coaster. But then a few seconds pass - and that’s it, they disappeared. And no answer.
Hmmm... What happened? A few more minutes pass and... nothing. 15 minutes pass... Nothing. My confidence is fading, doubts are beginning to torment me. An hour passes... Nothing. Two hours pass... Nothing. Three hours pass... A slight panic begins. I'm re-reading my message. I was confident in him, but now I'm starting to wonder what's wrong with him.
“I'm such a fool! You had to type “Hello!” with two “e”s, not just one. I asked too many questions. What was I thinking? Oh, I should have asked something else. Aziz, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU AND YOUR QUESTIONS?”
Aziz Ansari
Technological progress today allows us to contact the person we like instantly. But this does not make the problems any less. For example, how to invite a girl or guy on a date? Is it worth calling? Or write an SMS? Or add as a friend and send a message to social network? How long should you wait before responding to an invitation? Obviously, with progress came changes in our personal lives. We evaluate our partners differently, we establish and build relationships differently.
Comedian Aziz Ansari decided to understand the problems of modern romantic relationships and, together with New York University sociologist Eric Klinenberg, developed a large-scale research project. From 2013 to 2014, they conducted focus groups and surveys around the world, as well as conducting interviews with renowned romance researchers. The results of this research resulted in the book “ Actively Searching”, in which, among other things, you can find the answer to the question of what to do as soon as you have sent or received a message.
How long should you wait before replying to a message?
This question caused the most controversy and disagreement among respondents. And these are the tactics people usually follow.
- Tactics for doubling response time: they answer you in five minutes, you wait ten. This way, you will always be in a better position because you will appear busier and less approachable than your interlocutor.
- Some wait a few minutes to show that there is something more important in their life than a phone.
- Some respondents believe that it is better to double the response time, but sometimes you can answer quickly, there is nothing wrong with that (as, indeed, with a response that takes too long).
- Some people claim that they expect exactly 1.25 times the response time.
- Others say that waiting three minutes is enough.
- There were also those who were already fed up similar games, so they respond immediately as soon as they see the message. They believe that their answers without feigned anticipation seem more lively and confident.
But do these tactics really work? And why do so many people adhere to them? Let's see if these strategies compare with actual psychological research.
The answer is like a reward
IN recent years Behavioral scientists have studied why waiting tactics have such a powerful effect on people.
You will appear less attractive if you respond to messages immediately.
Psychologists have conducted hundreds of studies in which they different conditions gave the animals rewards. One of the most interesting findings is “uncertain reward,” that is, the situation when an animal, when pressing a lever, cannot predict whether it will receive a reward. It turned out that uncertainty significantly increases the animal’s interest in receiving a reward: the level of dopamine increases, so that, one might say, it gets high from this feeling.
In laboratory animals that receive a reward every time they press a lever, their interest eventually wanes. After all, they know that as soon as they want a reward, they will get it.
The same principle applies in relationships: if you are a guy or girl who responds to messages without delay, you will begin to be taken for granted. As a result, you reduce your value as a reward. This means that the other person will not feel a strong need to respond to the message. Or, as in the case of laboratory animals, the need to press a lever.
What do texting and gambling have in common?
Messaging is an environment in which our mind begins to work in a specific way. Before everyone had cell phones, people always waited a while (hours or days) before calling back without the other person being bothered. Correspondence has taught us to receive faster answers. According to surveys, this indicator varies from person to person in the range from 10 minutes to one hour.
Natasha Schüll, an anthropologist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (USA), studies gambling addiction, specifically what happens to the minds and bodies of people who become addicted to slot machines. Unlike cards, horse racing or the weekly lottery, which force players to wait (for their turn, when the horses finish, for the start of the weekly draw), slot machines allow gambling without delay, since the player receives information quickly.
You are accustomed to expecting instant results, so you begin to lose patience at any slightest delay. When you're texting someone you like but don't know well enough yet, it's a lot like a slot machine. There is also a lot of uncertainty, anticipation, and anxiety here. You are set to receive a message. You want it, you need it right now. But if you don't get a quick response, it throws you off track.
Natasha Shul
Text messages are different from the messages people left on answering machines before the advent of smartphones. A message on an answering machine can be compared to buying a lottery ticket. You know in advance that you will have to wait until you find out the winning numbers. You don't expect a call back right away. You may even enjoy this feeling of uncertainty because you know in advance that you will have to wait a few days. But with texting, if you don't get a response after 15 minutes, you start to freak out.
How to appear more attractive in the eyes of another person
The psychological principles associated with anticipation can be a very useful strategy for a single person who wants to appear more attractive.
For example, let's say you are a man who meets three women at a bar. The next day you write to them. Two respond quickly enough, and the third does not respond at all. The first two women showed interest in you, and your brain calmed down after receiving the answer. But the third woman, by not answering, has created uncertainty, and your brain begins to look for an explanation for her action. You don’t lose interest: “Why doesn’t she answer? What's wrong with me? Maybe I did something wrong? This uncertainty, social psychologists have found, can lead to intense romantic attraction.
A team of scientists - Erin Whitchurch, Timothy Wilson and Daniel Gilbert - conducted a study in which women were shown profiles different men on the social network Facebook, who in turn told what they thought about their profiles.
- One group of women was shown profiles of men who rated the profiles of the subjects from this group as the best.
- The second group was told they were being shown profiles of men who rated their accounts as average.
- The third group was shown profiles of men who could not decide whether they liked these women or not.
Women were expected to favor men who rated them as the best rather than as average (based on the principle of reciprocity - we like people who like us). However, women were more likely to prefer men from the undecided group. They also later reported thinking more about men who were undecided.
When you think about a person a lot, their image becomes firmly established in your mind, which can ultimately lead to attraction.
Another idea from social psychology, which concerns our waiting games, is the principle of scarcity. We usually perceive something as more desirable when it seems out of our reach. So, when you rarely hear from someone, that person is essentially creating scarcity and presenting themselves in a more favorable light.
Don't take everything personally
You wrote to a person and invited him on a date, but there was no reaction from him. What to do in such a situation? Definitely don’t sprinkle ashes on your head and think about what you said or did wrong. Don't forget that sometimes it's not you, but other factors at play. There may be something going on in a person's life that you have no idea about, but it may affect their desire to be in a relationship.
